WildChild

I reached office. It was a ‘R’outine day. Me worked to while away the day as I did for the last three months. There was a buzz in the next bay. A new guy was joining today. I started hating any company and noise. I lost myself in my thoughts. Lunch time, I was sitting away in the rocks having a quite lunch. It was then that the new guy in office approached me. He was vaguely familiar. I was praying he will me alone. But, fate decides something else, always. He came to me and started a conversation. I could see he was good at conversing with strangers, as if he had known them for ages. I hated that, resented that. But, I could not shake him away. End of lunch, I hated myself for liking the guy. He was not bad, I was trying to convince he was just another ordinary guy. But, I was wrong. His banter was very endearing. I left.

Over the months, try as I may-the new guy would not leave me alone. He said he could not see me being a recluse. I had to make friends with him. He had these things about him that made me feel worse and long for her more. He was similar to her, but he had no air of burden about him. He was the dude with happiness and free spirit around him. I found a friend. 

Weeks flew by and I had given up any hope of seeing her again. With my new friend, I had begun to discover myself. I had reached a comfort level with the new guy at office. He became my alter ego. There were strange rumors at office. The new guy at office was a gay. I did not believe it, nor did I bother myself. I never had any discomfort with him. He was the same as anyone else to me.

It was exactly to a year since she had left me. I had come to letting go of her memories. I was becoming ‘me’, as I had once known myself-again. The day after office I went home. 

My pad was good. Very beautiful. She had very good taste too. I tried to shake off her memory. I found the bar and started drinking. I was on the fourth drink that I heard her voice

‘I Love You’

I had learned to hate those words. I shook my head. I had too much to drink. I had gone easy on the drinks in recent times. I was cursing myself for drinking too much. 

There it was again

‘I Love You’

I looked around and I could see her standing. Her figure framing the light in the doorway. I could not see her face, but I knew it was her.

‘I have come back for you’

I was in a state of confusion. I was angry.

‘Why? I was waiting for you and you never turned up. Now that I am getting over you, why did you come back?’

‘I had changed and I was not sure you would accept me. It took time to accept myself. It was painful. But I have made peace with myself. Remember our last conversation. I Love You and am back for you.’

I had so many thoughts running through my mind. I was numb. I could not think anything. Memories of her and our conversations flooded me.

I knew I was still in love with her. I was angry that she had taken so long to come back. I thought I had lost her. But now fate had thrust her back into my life. I was overwhelmed and tears were streaking down my cheeks. I ran to her. I was afraid how she had changed. I could see from her profile that she had changed physically.

I approached her and stood before her, I took her face in my hands and was about to kiss her. The light from the neighbours window fell on her face. I shrieked. I was throwing up……

“Why?” I asked.

“You asked me to break free. You were the one who told me to do what I always wanted to. You were ready to love me always whatever be the change. What happened to the dude who was never surprised?”

She was right, I was never prepared for the surprise she had in store in me. I did not fathom what she always wanted to be in life.

‘She had realised her dream. She had undergone a sex change operation and had become the ‘new guy at office’. She had always liked men, but she wanted to be one of THEM too.’

I woke up with a hangover, it was the same dream. It has been three months since she disappeared. I had been waiting for her to turn up every minute now for the last three months. The wait seemed so familiar now, as though it is a part of me and my routine everyday. I would wake up with the same dream-

<she came back and woke me up with a kiss. She had changed, I was expecting that. She had taken a break to rediscover herself, know herself and do what she always wanted to do.>

But, it was always the same. She never came and it had always been a dream. It has been three months since she left. I made coffee for myself-it was a routine as everything else in my life was, a routine with a ‘R’. I was always the one who broke rules, routines, and always pined for a change-every moment. The one who could never be surprised by a change, however drastic or bizarre. I was prepared for everything, OR so I thought.

It is a year since I met her. She had walked into my office, a ‘fresher’, a breather in my mundane office. All my colleagues were elder to me and I found them a bore. She was a whiff of fresh air, waltzing and dancing into my life. She was an enigma to me- vivacious, innocent, full of life, but, I could tell that she had more to her. She had a sense of burden around her. She had the air of a free spirit curtailed by an unseen force. She was a mystery and I am a sucker for mysterious things. I let myself be suckered. I was taken in by her. I was in love with her.  

The coffee scalded me. I was back from my reverie. It was hard, I knew I had to let go. But, I did not want to. I was fooling myself and I loved fooling myself. I again lapsed into a memory, our last conversation. We had watched ‘Brokeback Mountain’ and were sitting in the balcony, talking.

“I want to break free”

“I always knew you were suffocating inside. Whatever it is, you have to let go of yourself. Break free and do what you always wanted to.”

“But, I will change and it may not be pretty for ‘you’, for ‘us’”

I repeated the most cliched lines-”Change is inevitable. I love you and will always do. I will be waiting for you however you may change.”

“I Love You.”

“I Love You.”

That was our last conversation. She left for a break and that was the last I had heard of her. We had made a pact that she will not call me and not talk to me until she comes back. She never came back. I became a wastrel, drinking and thinking. I needed some company, any company and I had to find that.

I was back into my routine. I left for office. Fate had something in store for me.